So yea, alot has happened in the i don't know how long.
I started off getting a girlfriend.
People told me no, "warned" me not to go out with her. That it would be a mistake that i would regret for the rest of my life.
One thing, no matter what I've done in life, i have no regrets. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, or done anything that you would not "approve" of.
I've cheated, yes. I've lied, so very much. And I've done so much more that I myself at that point in time found necessary, or got some type of benefit / enjoyment out of.
So I knew i would not regret going out with her. Man was i right. The single most AMAZING, most BEAUTIFUL, FUNNIEST, AMMUSING person that i believe i will ever come in contact with is now my girlfriend for six months :]
You, my once good freind were wrong. Ben has seen for himself, he has said himself how awesome she is.
Don't get me wrong, she's not a good little girl. She curses, she's crazy, she's FANTASTIC!
Sex? Yepp. And ALOT of it. But is it purely llust? No. It's love. You dear reader may laugh at such notion when we're at our ages. But you're wrong. The amount of time that we spend on the phone, the amount of time that we spend actually TALKING, cuddling, watching movies, playing around, taking pictures, making funny faces, EVERYTHING! It's purely amazing.
She is my future.
What happened to you? Didnt' you say "we'll always be friends!"? HAH!
You are so fucking judgemental, hyppocrytical, and self centered!
And you know what? I was actually fine with that, i was still urging to be your friend, i wasn't the one that drifted away.
It may be hard on my frinds that i work so much that i don't have a large amount of time to be wuth them, but i love them all. Well the ones that REALLY care.
Ben
Brittany
Johnny
Vincent
and all the others
Including the most amazing girlfriend ever :]
There's a world out there, and it's pretty unbelievable.
It's a world of artists and thieves.
I'd have to admit that i do miss writing and hanging out with everyone.
But was it all worth it?
I mean, then i felt so empty, so worthless.
Now i know who the greater friends are, who to trust, and best of all, who to love
media.photobucket.com/image/graffiti/pea
So megan's out of town... And I miss the hell out of her.
мир воров
- Location:Missouri
- Mood:
chipper - Music:none
what would you expect me to say?
life has been great?
hah, only in one aspect.
believe it or not she's a pretty amazing girl.
i think it may last a good while.
but aside from that.
school = mediocre
friends seem to be dwindling away..
the break was what you said you origionally needed, i gave it to you.
it's been a while since we've had a real conversation, aside from the times when i hear about all of my problems, issues, mistakes, the list goes on.
but hey, it was something you'd said, so i'd figured i needed to hear it.
but the more i think about it.
you're right, our roles kinda have changed.
because now all i do is get insulted or put down,
and i'm taking it like you once did.
maybe other people will agree with you.
maybe i am a pathetic individual,
i seem to lead no life anymore.
what else would you want from me then?
but no, i'm also shallow.
so i spoke with a friend about it.
maybe he's right.
maybe i just thought you wanted to be best friends.
maybe you'd rather it more as a casual aspect.
i really don't know anymore,
you don't tell me much.
for whatever it's worth,
to you, and to the others.
i really doubt you're reading this.
but i'm sorry for having changed.
my bear hugs have lost their grip,
my french needs touching up,
my lameness has just become nothing.
i do few random sporatic acts now.
and when i do, people seem to hate me for it.
i loose friends every day.
i want to atleast keep one or two close ones other than my girlfriend,
i feel like now everyones just talking behind my back.
i don't know what to think,
what to say,
or if i can continue to even be me.
you miss "cliffy"?
well i fucking miss him too!
i wish i could turn it all back and just be the old me again.
but i can't.
i try and fix it,
and FUCK something up in the process.
i'm not blaming it on you or anyone else.
i'm blaming it on me.
my loss of passion,
my loss of creativity,
my loss of life!
seriously, i'd doubt if i had a soul right now.
because i just feel empty inside..
there's a few good things in my life,
she's one of them.
you three were too,
i'm sorry.
i don't know what else i can say/do to change the circumstances.
i'll spill my heart out as much as i can.
i'm saying things noone has ever heard.
you know,
i'm so scared you're gonna turn on me.
and what scares me about that thought,
when we were "best friends"
you learned more about me than i possibly know about myself.
can i change this?
possibly
have i tried already?
yes
have i succeeded?
no...
i'm a general failure at life,
i have nothing together.
i don't even know what else i can say.
i'll go on living like this,
trying to be me.
maybe i'll never really be accepted.
people that i once thought as friends glare at me now.
barely speak when i adress them.
have i changed that much?
maybe it's beyond my comprehension.
i would ask for advice.
but i don't know who to turn to.
i remember you once said.
sometimes it's better not to have those deep friends in your life.
take a break.
lay off.
but when i left you for a while.
i get chewed out.
hypocritical much?
- Location:pluto
- Mood:
blank - Music:relient k
so perople found i write poetry.
well, my parents at first..
then it spread like a bug..
now it seems every adult in my life wants to read the shit i write.
WHY?!
it's so crappy...
and even if it's not,
usually it's written out of anger of aggression.
but i need to get used to writing..
mannequine epidemic here i come!
so i don't really know what to do.
these crazy feelings,
it's not oppression.
well, not by someone.
of an outwardly force,
but of my own.
i oppress myself,
for a reason unknow.
i've been holding myself back,
since then i've felt so cold.
i miss the warmth of my pen,
the security of my notebook.
i'm letting myself go,
falling into submission.
you'll have lots more to read,
because i have so much to write.
i've always wanted to write something,
a song, poem.
that includes the lines:
"i just don't know what to do, but i'm madly inlove with you"
or some variation of that..
only thing is.
i really don't have any inspriation,
idk, i can never think of a way to complete it..
you're my saving grace,
my candle light,
you show the way,
and keep the fright,
not at bay,
but gone completely,
it's like a song,
sweetly the sounds,
but rough the lyrics,
read between the lines,
it's meaning so deep.
i don't long for your love,
i know it's there,
just take a moment to find it.
once it's out.
you won't be able to hide it ;]
so my trip to iowa was lovely.
i enjoyed it so much,
(aside from being sick that day or two)
but my god it's so beautiful up there.
i don't really know what else to say to it.
i just wish...
ah, you don't wanna hear that.
or maybe you already have :]
i can't wait to see you :]]]]
- Location:metairie!!
- Mood: happy
i was you to say.
"you have no idea how cool you are"
this i believe was a first for me.
yet you don't understand.
you may be younger,
not by much,
but you are amazing!
in a way i look up to you,
i'd rather not say envy.
i'm honored to call you a friend,
let alone such a close one.
today was a snow day,
it was pretty amazing.
i'm so not ready for all this next week,
i want it to be over and done with,
and for it to end up well.
thank you..
i could use having you back in my life.
i'm tired of the confusion,
and all the work i've been doing.
but i want to prove to everyone that i can do it all,
maintain my social life,
and my sanity.
stop fucking with my emotions.
i'm tired of this, and this isn't about you, so don't worry.
<b>N<b />ot worrying....
<b>B<b />ut still caring.
thank you gram.
- Location:not yet to cloud nine..
- Mood:not quite sure
- Music:none atm
i feel like shit,
missed work today,
and am probably screwed for my tests.
other than that life's grand!
so what else can i say?
thanksgiving was pretty nice,
this past weekend was amazing.
idk what else to say exactly.
i'm hungry,
i need to study,
i don't wanna go to school,
i have work tomorrow,
i'm tired and kinda cranky,
and i feel like shittt.
google chrome is amazing,
just thought i'd throw that in there.
not much has been going on except the stuff i can't explain.
buster series here we come! xD
- Location:home
- Mood:sick :[
- Music:none
so today i got like,
an ungodly ammount of job applications.
reponsibility here i come.
there's so much that i wanna do with my life,
like, not just here and now.
i just can't wait to change to world.
you know, put my mark.
i'm the happiest i've been in a while,
and i'm not quite sure why.
hahaha,
if it's insanity i don't want to be sane.
who said when you change it doesn't return?
i say it's oly temporary.
only till you realize what you missed, and how good it was before.
i'm glad to be back
- Location:in yo closet?
- Mood: happy
- Music:none
as i remember who i used to be.
what ever happened?
why has this happened to me?
WHY DID I CAHNGE!?
well this is where it stops.
i'm not gonna think the way i do now,
but go back to who i was before,
back to how i was before.
you know what changed me?
i lost my concept for love.
before it was glorious,
the old style movies,
those long nights on the phone.
"we'll have a movie day! my house!"
"sweet! i'll bring the candy and a few just amazing movies, a few black and white :)!"
i remember when it was so innocent, and i was so naive!
now what happens?
i'm not a virgin.
and i feel like it changes alot.
i have three girls with boyfriends that have said they like me,
i don't believe any of them.
i've changed into the guy that i never wanted to become,
i vowed to myself i'd never become like this.
and if i did, i'd slap myself in the face.
well here comes the open hand,
i'm gonna knock myself into my reality.
this is when i can say,
i have feelings for you.
but it's gonna take more to get me to say i love you again.
those three words will have meaning once again!
i swear to you, less i die in a day,
tommorw will be the new beginning, and today the end!
let's see.
things that are bothering me:
got caught sneaking out
grades
school in general
my friends loosing their friendship feelings for me
you not liking me
you liking me x 3
not being able to know if you're being truthful
"feelings go away! you're worthless if they don't feel the same way."
my friends my friends i'm alive once again!
no longer the dick i've been.
today is the day i open my eyes,
remember i said i'd change the world?
it starts here!
it's an epiphany of outrageous preportions.
those cute little thoghts,
the great sayings i used to have.
they're all coming back :]
thanks to all my friends who helped me open my eyes to this oh so rediculous change.
<3's for :
BEN! (princess)
KATIE! (balls)
KATE! (billiam)
i watch the preverbial surise,
coming up over the pacific end.
you might think i'm loosing my mind,
but i will shy away from the specifics.
i can smell it in the air,
feel it in my soul!
thank you god for giving me this chance,
to right my wrongs and fix my faults.
the prefection of imperfection,
it's just so beautiful.
this jealousy, or even the notion of such.
it's not gonna be in my vocabulary anymore.
thank you
- Location:ontop of the world once again!
- Mood:woah shit, where have i been?
- Music:mcr? pfhaha
don't you wish it happened like it does in the majestic stories of my past heroes?
for the feeling stays,
the urge lingers on,
it only grows with time.
you:
every time i see you, i fall for you all over.
i know i need to fight it, because i know youdon't feel the same.
but it's just crazy.
i don't know why, but i miss you.
others may not know the depth of your thoughts, but i do.
you AMAZE ME!
you're beautiful in every aspect, weather you believe it or not.
there's so much to say, yet not enough words in my vocabulary.
then there's you:
you know the things i could say, you hear it so much.
it hurts to listen to you talk about him,
it makes me feel like nothing.
can i not compare? for you say i can.
i still don't believe you.
because all i see is stuff about him,
all i hear is stuff about him.
i don't mean to sound selfish, but where's the comments about me?
for once i just want to feel like the things you say are truth.
it seems like my luck.
you say one thing to me, and other things to everyone else.
my luck that the girls i like or supposedly like me either,
A) don't like me
or
B) have a boyfriend and lie about it
and ofcourse to ask you to break up with him is too much.
i drew.
it was amazing.
but i just couldn't stand looking at it.
please give this to me.
i've begun to feel just so empty,
and the thins i fill the space with just never hold up.
i've gotta stop complaining and i have to stop throwing out excuses.
i'm falling for you. pretty hard.
what else would you expect me to say?
i'm mad for you.
and i'm probably slowly going insane.
I GOT A CAR!
omg i love it, sooooo much.
it's beautiful!
grades are iffy,
and idk what else i could say about school.
my thoughts have been going crazy lately.
i have all these things i wanna talk about,
but i never know how to word them.
you kinda brought the best out of me in that way..
remember that conversation we had?
i still feel like it wasn't long enough.
i don't wanna stop talking,
so i'll leave off with this.
my sleep has been improving,
and i think it's bacause a few things:
your friendship,
the rekindling of ours,
your love,
meeting you.
this weekend was amazing.
hopefully my life continues this way.
then it'll start going the way i wish.
- Location:pluto
- Mood:dazed
- Music:streetlight manifesto playlist
but i threw them both away, because it wouldn't do me any good.
today was, wow.
surprisingly good?
my thoughts have cramped my head lately,
but idk, i still have some odd sense of peace.
yesterday,
idk. i'm sorry it had to happen like that.
but i'm happy with you being my best friend.
i don't know what i'd do if you weren't.
so i'm running off of four hours of sleep in like the past, idk, 5 days?
why am i so rediculous?
why are my thoughts so, BLAM!
i wish i could just step back a few weeks and make the choices i should've.
i'd probably be getting more sleep.
you are like the thing that stands out in my head.
how can i stop it?
change your mind.
you won't regret it.
if one of you are reading this, i'm sure it's not what you think it's about.
- Location:at your door.
- Mood:who knows?
- Music:incubus-make yourself
solo questo once.
For dubito che la verità che hai detto.
- Location:hell?
- Mood:pathetic
- Music:none
i drift away into the thoughts,
that crumble at the sight of loss.
i beg, i plead, i swear this creed!
but maybe it's just not my heart,
what am i saying?
am i going crazy?
it's like a slap to the face,
i've gone breathless.
is it you or me?
for the love of god we felt so free!
but that was before,
what's happening now?
it's like something's missing,
from the neck of the prow.
my ship feels as if it's about to sink,
i may need to go see that shrink.
so this is possibly the most crazed i've been,
well, maybe comprable to that one time..
but that was then and this is now,
yeah, i know, i'm having a cow.
the rhymes are lame the lyrics so bland,
but i'm really not a writer for a sell out band.
what should i do where should i go?
my life feels like some cliche show.
so my vow stays here in my thoughts,
i shall yet to mutter them in the open.
yet you know the way i think,
how i do.
the three letter phrase comes to mind,
because finally i have finished my rhyme.
ugh
....so these past few days, how shall i say?
rocky? like a roller coaster?
idk.
i've felt kinda bipolar lately,
i don't know what to say.
one minute i'll think one way, the next another.
over all it was an okay week.
i mean,
i got okay grade,
got an awesome video game (i am a nerd)
hung out,
BEN!
ben is quite possibly my savior,
i've felt so open with him.
plus he's like, a god at everything?!
(i can seethe beginning of a beautiful friendship.)
i love the cliche's in life, the contradictory things you say.
brandon, i miss you. you are amazing, i don't think you know how much i love you, respect you, look up to you.
i thought of you today, i'm sorry i was never man enough to apologize.
i hope you're listening from way up there,
remember how we used to be such great friends?
then he just had to ruin it all...
i'm so sorry that it had to happen to you,
you had so much to live for,
so many people liked you.
i hope you the best.
on a brighter side.
smile, tomorrow's another day,
we'll see the sun again.
you know what you do,
and your skill is honed.
i believe you win in the battle of minds,
yet the war is not over.
did you really mean what you've said?
clear blue waters, bright white sands, destin's waiting..
- Location:wala wala washington
- Mood:
curious - Music:nada
but it just continues to eat my soul away.
for every second that i spend,
day by day i drift away.
this fake reality,
this crazy dream.
i'm in a world just so unseen
to all of you that don't understand.
i'm sorry if i don't take a stand,
this battle is hard.
i'm loosing the fight.
it feels like i've been hit...
and i sail into flight.
i wish i could just understand. i need to stop picking these things away, i need it to stop bothering me, am i really like that?
anyway.
i miss my guitar, and my old little book.
i feel like they're calling my name out in the dead of night.
but it seems like this is the only place for my little poems these days,
and my guitar skills are long gone.
is anything in this world real?
does anything last?
i'm tired of feeling like i'm living in the past.
i wish i could put everything into words,
instead of having these thoughts attack me.
it feels like i'm loosing who i am,
and like i don't know anyone except a select few.
my tears, well, it feel like i'm trying to hold back more than just that.
but who knows?
maybe this is all just the medicine talking.
maybe i'm the one overreacting,
maybe i'm the one thinking about stuff too much.
either way, i hope writing continues to make the feelings subside,
and i don't have to end up mooving further up the chain of subduing my feelings.
i just want it all to feel like it's perfect again,
the right friends, enough that care and talk to me, good grades.
i don't feel as happy as i did before.
when i get my liscence/car it'll be different.
i'll see all my friends, and have more people in my life.
i can't wait.
there's stars in the air,
all you have to do is reach up and grab 'em.
as for you.
what can i say, you tend to make things better most of the time.
even though you may make me go crazy every now and then.
you're confusing, yet simple at the same time.
let's hope i continue to always be right.
there will be more most likely,
but until then.
ben: "oh my! a wild snorlax has appeared!"
haha
i hope he understands how much he means to me as a friend.
- Location:your pants
- Mood:who knows?
- Music:hash pipe - weezer
this weekend,
wow
friday was amazing.
the first night of VooDoo started with a bang.
got to see my brother!
and dance with him!
that goof.
slept at josh's, we had alot of funny stuff happen.
saturday was awesome,
i got to hang with everyone,
and got to hang with my brother and katie for an awsome show.
then NIN. that was just beautiful...
sunday, sunday, sunday..
sunday started off odd.
something was bothering me, i still don't know what.
then it got better,
i looked like all the kids waiting for panic XD
my brother gave me CD's for my birthday!
apparently his fav from when he was 16,
and a mix and what not.
then he said the best thing ever. it still makes me tear.
i thanked him,
and he just told me i deserved it all..
i miss him soo much sometimes.
then we walked around for a while.
i got wished happy birthday by brittany which was a surprise.
sac cut his sack open?
then night came.
i didn't wanna leave..
by this time too much was going through my mind,
i lost control, i became overwhelmed, i panicked..
that's when i fell apart,
all my thoughts attacked me.
for god sakes i couldn't breathe!
my sight went out..
it's the worst i've ever experienced.
well that's over.
i feel a bit better now..
i get home feeling like shit,
my mom had a birthday cake for me :]
monday
wake up- feel like shit
go outside- OMG! felt sooo good, reminds me of some of the things you say to me sometimes..
school- i'm tired as shit
tests- i fucked up like a shithead
get home- probably have a fever
now i'm here.
i'm beginning to think obama's gonna be a good choice. i don't know why..
my god these thoughts are like death,
they martyr me,
the put me at the steak,
it feels like a crucifiction without the nails..
i don't know what to do,
nor what to say.
it just gets crazier with every day.
can you help me?
noone else can...
hah, wouldn't you know, the oddest person understands exactly how i feel.
- Location:north pole
- Mood:
sick - Music:news count?
i remember this time,
last year that is.
when i had a different girlfriend,
whom i doubt really cared about me.
life was different then,
my friends,
my family,
me.
who would've know so much would've happened.
who would've thought that four years from now...
awuh that's not what i wanna think about.
i miss it though.
being crazy, without any care.
now i sometimes feel the stares as if they hurt.
but the running around,
the foolishness,
the building HUGEE leave piles.
i kinda miss the old days.
i miss it when my mind wasn't everywhere.
when i didn't have constant,
conflicting,
thoughts that never seem to end.
what am i supposed to do,
to say to all of this?
you're the main character of this chapter,
and ofcourse there's the other people it's based around.
who knows?
your guess is as good as mine,
you know how i feel towards you,
and i'm glad you do too.
this past week.....UGH
get's okay, then bad, then worse, then ugh!
psat's the plan, getting raped by history tests, having other test that i'm like, WTF!?
i think i'm getting sick again,
let's just hope it's not the sick like last time.
we'll see if i get a fever.
VooDoo!
my parents, well, they can go be dumbasses somewhere else.
i'm not an idiot,
i am "street smart" more than you'd know....
and you know what.
my birthday will be
B-I-T-C-H-I-N-N-N-N-N
let's just hope i can get pumped up and happier/more excited.
okay, so seeing katie was fun as usual, and, yeah.
i guess it's why she's my girlfriend,
although now our parents know....
and fuck, no more hanging in our rooms alone.
gay shit.
oh well. that's life, and i choose to live it.
- Location:center of the earth
- Mood: okay
- Music:after hours-we are scientists
i can't explain the way i feel,
for that matter my thoughts are everywhere.
what would you do if you couldn't control your thoughts?
me, i can't help it.
yesterday, haha. school was boring.
my friend got suspended,
i lied to a few teachers,
then kate and katey walked to my house, and i couldn't go out.
so i talked to them through the window. xD
hahaha
today, wow.
sat's are gay,
but after was so much fun.
the mall was great, just all the random shit we say/do.
same as the book store.
especially since i was walking around in katie's sweater. XD
so yeah. it's official.
now i'll see what it is to actually have a girlfriend,
i mean, there has been others.
but i was always screwed over, or i couldn't see them for long times..
(long distance)
i have a feeling that she's not like that.
she's just fun to be around, even if she runs away when i do something stupid.
lol
other than that i don't really know what to say.
that dream last night, and even the night before.
woah.
yesterday....well wow.
last night.
i woke up several times to see if i were alive.
it seems like i've been getting better with sleeping..but idk.
what can i say,
it's that time of the day.
i sit at home and think of it all,
who knows where i may soon fall.
the craziness of life,
anxiety of school.
the happiness,
the sadness,
the anger,
the rage.
i'm glad it all stops at a certain stage.
will you be the one to hold me together?
because i'm tired of falling apart.
help me now,
save me later.
you may just end up being my savior.
it's not for certain,
but i haven't much doubt.
thank you :]
< 10/15/08 3
- Location:dad's house
- Mood: calm
- Music:everything will be alright-the killers
today was blah.
not much happened.
the day started off in a good way though i guess.
i mean, it felt like sunday..
but when i got to school, i was suddenly asked.
"hey, clifford. are you going out with katie?"
josh was like:
"damn, word travels fast."
so i just said:
"nah"
but under my breath.
"not yet.."
then i kinda smirked and walked off.
i fell asleep in class, several times,
idk, it was a good day,
but it was pretty uneventful.
HEROE'S comes on tonight!
woo!
yeah, i'm a freak.
oh well? -shrugs shoulders-
so yeah.
tomorrow never comes, and yesterday never happened ;]
<3
- Location:dad's casa
- Mood:creative
- Music:curse of curves
the sun went down,
my feelings reside.
i don't know what to do,
or where i should reside.
where have you gone?
what should i do?
i'm goin crazy,
(last line unwritten.)
friday was AMAZING!
i went to Vince's, and we went out the whole day.
we watched trains, chilled, went to the park.
i saw lauren whom i haven't seen in two years!
we tagged, made our first actual pieces, and i got a kinda sorta heaven spot.
SAT
got home, set up for halloween!!
then i started to get ready.
i drove to pick katie up, then to the olive garden to eat.
dinner was HILARIOUS!
they knew my name right when i walked in, and the black dude was the funnies waiter i've ever had
(aside from the guy on the cruise)
the dance was the shit, even though they only played one rave song.
anyway, i had soo much fun.
coffee at cafe du monde was funny.
i felt like i was about to pass out.
but it was still amazing.
the ride home i felt hi. period. then after we dropped ashley off..
i passed out when i got home.
today sucked,
i mean, it was nice, but ugh, school tomorrow.
it was still okay
i'm tired,
and sore,
and can't stop thinking.
but,
it'll all turn out i think.
i don't know how.
but i think it's time things change.
- Location:dad's house
- Mood: hopeful
- Music:adult swim? lol
taking the hardest exam ever!!
getting bloodwork.
then coming home and studying.
fun huh.
GOD, i can't wait till this weekend.
!!<3!!
it's gonna be amazing
- Location:mom's house
- Mood:creative
- Music:disturbed :]
i never thought i'd hear those words.
but i guess there's always a first for everything eh?
well, today on the other hand was quite enjoyable, my exams were easy, and it was really nice outside.
after school josh and i went to the mall to have some lunch, and just fuck around for an hour.
then i got back home, welcome back to hell people.
i have three more exams, and probably my hardest.
but then again, the weekend draws closer.
i can't wait till all this is over and i get to chill with my friends and just relax.
so yeah..
- Location:dad's place
- Mood: content
- Music:lyrical lies :]
don't just admit it to me.
admit it to everyone,
then you'll see.
you're addicted,
and you damn well know.
today exams started.
UGH
i did pretty good on my first ones though.
tomorrow will be harder.
friday will probably be the one that makes me wanna pull my hair out,
well what's left of it anyway.
i've found it hard to concentrate lately, but oh man this weekend's gonna be a blast.
Vincent's friday, Homecoming saturday, i'm sure i'll find something sunday.
after this week,
life will be good.
:]
- Location:dad's place
- Mood: okay
- Music:linkin park xD
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